Advice – How to Talk to Women (Part 1)

Trouble talking to the ladies? Do you get all sweaty and nervous around women? Are you staring a life of crushing despair and loneliness full in the face, and you think that if you don’t do something soon your whole life will have been a huge waste of time and energy? We’ve all been there.

Well, no, actually we all haven’t, some people are just better than us. But you and I? Yeah, we have trouble. But worry no more! I have gazed deeply into the abyss, and I have journeyed to strange lands under foreign stars, and I return to you now with the accumulated wisdom of dozens of awkward, socially inept jerk-offs who have braved the dating scene.

Think of me not as a savior, but as a cross between Indiana Jones and Gandalf. Got that imagine in your head? Now fatten it up a little. Yeah. Little more. Okay, good. Add a chin. Good, good, and some bags under the eyes – whoa, you’re way ahead of me there! You’ve got it, pal. That’s me. Adventurer-wizard, bulging with knowledge in all the wrong places.

No hats! (Source)

What I’m saying is, this short guide can help you – you’ll be a slick-haired Lothario in no time flat.

PART ONE: Approaching Her

1. Slick your hair back. If you’re the average Joe like me, then just the thought of talking to a woman makes your palms sweat something fierce. You can use those disgusting, sweaty palms to slick down your hair. If you do it slowly, you can even come off as a cool-guy-on-the-block. Try doing it while leaning on a muscle car while the owner isn’t around.

Vrooom! Don’t make engine noises with your mouth when you’re doing this. (Source)

If you have normal, dry palms that let you clap without feeling self-conscious, you’ll have to get some gel or something, I guess. Either way, make sure your hair is really damp when you first approach her – women love a guy who know how to keep clean (or at least always looks like he just got out of a shower). Plus, if you always look wet, then if you accidentally brush her arm with your hands, she won’t immediately know about your terrible secret (sweaty palms).

2. Now that you’ve got the look ladies love, it’s time to make small talk. Ask her what she likes and what her interests are. If you have common interests, talk about one of those topics and you should be set for the next few minutes.

In the event that you have nothing in common, well, shit. Your desperate loneliness has forced you to seek any shred of human contact, so you can’t just flee like your instincts want you to. Try to discuss a ‘safe’ topic. Cats or dogs are a good choice. You should own one, as their reliance on you for their survival is a great way to pass those nights that stretch on and on until you can hardly take it. If you don’t have cats or dogs, talk about food maybe?

Close enough! (Source)

Whatever you do, here is a list of topics you must avoid at all costs, because they are a sure-fire way to kill your chances: politics, religion, local sports teams, non-local sports teams, gingivitis, how long you’ve had gingivitis, ways of dealing with gingivitis, obituaries, how food is made, whether she knows any good dentists, what your parents do for a living, architecture (this is a fourth date topic), clouds, your sweaty palms, how pillows are made, the bird flu (both kinds), what “balls deep” means, acetylene torches, bath salts, stamp collections, hair collections, any collections you have in general, progressive rock, and the 1952 film Against All Flags (the 1967 remake, The King’s Pirate, is permissible).

3. Since your sweaty palms have likely turned you into a modern day Quasimodo, the easiest way to look cool is to name drop. Do you know any famous people? No, of course you don’t. You’re a monster. But you can find pictures of famous people on the internet and then just Photoshop yourself into them (the pictures, not the famous people. Damn, guy. C’mon).

And, of course, use discretion at all times. (Source)

You’re almost there! Your hair is slicked back, you presumably looked cool doing it, you’ve had a safe conversation where you didn’t blurt out “I want to add your hair to my collection,” and now she thinks you know people who are better looking than you could ever be. Asking her out is all you have to do now. What’s that? You don’t know how? That’s okay. We’ve got you covered in the next post of this dating series.

Next: Actually Asking Her Out

(Also, just remember that lying to someone in a last-ditch effort to avoid spending your life alone is perfectly fine. It takes all types, as the Klansmen say. Or, hm, maybe that isn’t them. They say lots of things, that’s probably one of them.)

Yeah, that was us. (Source)

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About seansynthetic

"...so I says the the guy, I says to him, 'No, YOU ain't allowed back into this Chuck-E-Cheese.'"

Posted on June 29, 2012, in Advice and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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